Simple Ways to Use Communication To Improve Your Marital Happiness



Posted: Saturday, October 24, 2009

by
Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

If your aspiration of a happy and enduring marriage is not necessarily achieved by the presence of love, respect, honest, and faithfulness, what does it take?

But what does that really mean? Even with the desired relationships and partner characteristics of love, respect, honest, commitment, and faithfulness, one or both partners are unhappy in the relationship. What makes for a happy marriage?

Much of the time, one primary characteristic that is missing is that of meaningful interaction. While couples may be spending time with each other routinely, most couples neglect to nurture their relationship regularly. The demand for attention seems to be highest when one or both partners feel less important, less loved, and less secure in the relationship. It takes on a different level of importance when partners do not feel loved or valued. The need for active engagement and nurturance of the relationship is apparent when a partner complains that they "do not communicate" and do not spend enough "quality" time together

They often already know the problem and presumably how to fix it, but cannot seem to get started with enacting their solution. When attempts are made to change how you interact and those attempts go unrecognized or rewarded, it becomes more difficult to bridge the emotional chasm tthat has developed. Each has different communication goals and expectations. Each wants to be shown love in different ways. Each have different desires and expectations about communication. "Quality time together" means different things to different people.

Unfortunately, while it seems logical that giving the partner what you want would resolve the problem, it does not. Of course, each partner is wanting something other than what is being given and is remaining frustrated. Frustration is inevitable with disappointment over not receiving the desired behavior and with failure of the partner to recognize the other's attempts.

Historically, partners may have told each other what they want or need to feel loved. They may have experienced brief change. When one partner has been trying to communicate his/her needs in an appropriate way and is "rewarded" for the effort with a return to the partner's old behavior, s/he feels more frustrated and angry. To the partner doing the requesting, this means that s/he doesn't care.

The longer that emotional relationship issues go unresolved, the more difficult it becomes to solve the problem(s), to recover from hurtful events, and to maintain positive feelings and thoughts about the relationship. Once the situation has reached this point, couples are most likely to use the exact communication behaviors that guarantee that no change will occur. Destructive communication patterns of escalating arguments or "demand/withdraw" interactions can become the norm.

Sometimes in order to break out of the negative cycle of conflict and pain, couples must return to the basics, with a step back out of the militarized zone, into basic communication and working on simply being "nice" to each other. Civility and common courtesy toward one's partner can assist in re-establishing at least a neutral emotional tone for your interaction and create an environment conducive to "letting down one's guard and willingness to level with each other.

Using "I" messages vs. "You" messages, can change the whole interaction. This change can reduce defensiveness and restore ability to listen. Active listening and questions for clarification can help repair problem communication and restore some emotional neutrality.

With a change in the emotional climate, the time is ripe for developing a regular time for couple communication and spending quality time together. Communication exercises such as a Couple's Feelings Meeting or The Honey Jar, a couple's conversation starter, can assist couples with getting into a habit of talking and sharing with each other. When couples are talking and sharing, they are more likely to feel connected, loved, and important to each other. When there is a positive emotional climate, it is easier to resolve conflicts that are inevitable in any close relationship. Skills necessary for a happy marriage involve the ability to communicate and effectively problem solve, as well as the ability to restore positive feelings in the midst of conflict.

Copyright (c) 2009 Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

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If you are trying to restore marital happiness, the educational resources on the website of Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D., are available to you. To access this information go to http://www.peggyferguson.com "The Honey Jar" couple communication exercise is also available for download (for purchase) at http://www.honeyjarcommunications.com Dr. Ferguson is a therapist in private practice in Stillwater, OK, and a writer, trainer, and consultant.
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