Suggestions for Staying Married Your First Years As Empty Nesters



Posted: Tuesday, October 27, 2009

by
Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

An Empty Nest can leave a couple feeling lonely and depressed with a sense of loss of family and identity instead of the anticipated sense of freedom.

Partners may be trying to deal with these changes on his or her own. When you stop talking about what is going on with you, it can feel threatening in some way, to open up again. The marriage may have been focused on raising kids and the identity of "Us" may have only included the parents and kids, having lost the sense of "us" as a marital partnership years ago. The marital identity may be all but lost. Both may feel alienated.

Now that the kids are gone, they may develop a heightened sense of awareness of each other and feel awkward, not knowing what the other is thinking or feeling, and wondering if he/she is as lost. Couples that have been focused on kids may have anxiety about what to do about their time now. Am I going to be on the spot to spend more time and attention on my partner now? Do they have anything in common, really? They may be getting nervous about the idea of too much time together. They will be pressed to talk. What will they talk about? What is left in the relationship? With no distractions, will they find themselves sitting in silence, looking expectantly at each other?

With the kids gone, privacy abounds. There is concern over the kinds of expectations the partner may have about their "new" sex life? What kinds of expectations will my parnter have about intimacy. Many people discover that they don't really know what they feel about their marriage or their partner. We have all heard that marriage break up when the kids leave home. Without the kids as diversion, the vulnerability of your marriage come glaringly through. Important marital issues may have been avoided for decades. Having to deal with those issues now, can bring on a sense of despair.

Although some people feel lost, others feel a sense of exhilaration and excitement about the prospect of spend the rest of your life with the just the two of you. This can be an opportunity of new freedom to enjoy your honey. It may that you have time to do that for the first time in decades. While you want closeness, you may be afraid that your spouse wants distance. You may be guessing about what your partner is thinking or feeling, but you know that you want to get to know each other again. You know that you want to rekindle the love and passion that you once had, but don't know what to do to get there from here. Looking forward, it seems appropriate to makes some new plans and goals. You can always look at it in terms of "the second half of your life with your honey is about to get really interesting".

Sometimes when you have been married a long time, the conversation between you and your beloved can get stale or you just run out of things to talk about. Sometimes it is hard to "just" start talking again. It is appropriate and common for many couples to get counseling or to get other help in reconnecting and making it through this awkward transition. Marital counseling, marital enrichment programs, couple communication exercises, or marriage counseling can assist you. You can often find a marital enrichment group, weekend or retreat at a local church. Couple communication exercises can involve a daily Couple's Feelings Meeting, or a semi-structured exercise like "The Honey Jar".

Copyright (c) 2009 Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

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The website of Dr. Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D., has a number of free resources for couples, like the article above. Access it through http://www.peggyferguson.com/ Instructions on how to have Feelings Meetings can be found there. To purchase and download The Honey Jar, conversation starter cards, go to http://www.honeyjarcommunications.com Peggy Ferguson is a therapist in private practice in Stillwater, OK, a writer, a trainer, and a consultant.

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