Reasons Why Non-addicted Family Members Don't Like Themselves
Posted: Monday, November 09, 2009
by Peggy Ferguson
Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
A question that I have received on more than one occasion for my column, "Ask Peggy", is about why the non-addicted family member ends up becoming someone that s/he doesn't even like. Family members are often confused about their own contribution to the family dynamics of addiction.
Family members often do not realize the extent to which the disease affects the entire family. Each family suffers harm in the progression of the disease and the family dynamics of addiction.
Individual and family dynamics of addiction take a predictable course of progression. As the addict applies chemical coping to a broader spectrum of life's problems, amount, frequency, tolerance, and negative consequences all increase. Some of the negative consequences that begin to occur are family conflicts, anger and hurt feelings, and relationship problems. Other negative consequences that may be occurring include arrests, hangovers, blackouts, mental health problems, work problems.
Negative consequences are not obvious to the addict. Making the connection between the drinking/drugging and these consequences is prevented by denial and other defense mechanisms.
The evolving dynamics of addiction that develop as family members deal with the addiction and its negative consequences are also predictable. Family members initially believe the rationalizations, distortions, explanations, and justifications for inappropriate behavior. Long before the problem is correctly identified, the family is hard at work trying to solve the problem. They try reasonable, rational, problem solving techniques that do not work on addiction. Much of the time they have identified "the problem" as depression, ADD/ADHD, not having the right job, low self-esteem, etc. The things they do to solve the problems often serve as "enabling" rather than actual problem solving.
Sooner or later, enough problems or consequences occur that are so obviously linked to the drinking/drugging that the problem is correctly identified. As it becomes abundantly clear that the addict is out of control, family members feel compelled to take control. These concerned relatives get more and more creative, directive, and manipulative in their efforts to control the addict's use and/or its consequences. Sometimes they think they are making some headway when the addict makes promises to quit. Everyone starts to hope, only to have those hopes dashed with each failed attempt.
In the process of struggling with the addict over the chemical, non-addicted spouses come to see the addict's behavior as something that they are deliberately doing to try to destroy themselves and the family. Eventually the addict and the family member get locked into a game of tug-of-war over the chemical that comes to characterize and define the relationship.
The ongoing struggle becomes a part of the family dynamics, and gets incorporated into the structure, function, and balance of the system. Feelings of hurt, fear, shame, guilt become the norm. Each spouse, locked into the struggle blames the other for his or her own behavior.
As the addict becomes more and more disabled by the addiction, the non-addicted spouse takes on most of the roles in the family. The children are often recruited to help. The family operates in survival mode most of the time.
Survival mode includes stereotypical roles that family members take on. These roles, that tend to persist over time, are chosen or assigned based on personality, birth order, and family structure. Each person in his/her role has a job to do for the system. The survival roles all serve to reduce the tension and pain in the system.
As the family system changes to accommodate the changes in the addict and in the family dyanmics, family members often find themselves engaging in behavior that is outside their value systems. Ultimately non-addicted family members also turn into someone they never wanted to be.
The pain, the conflict, and the walking around on eggshells usually persists for some time, often until the one or both of the two battling spouses decide to separate. This change often signals a crisis that is enough to motivate the addict to seek treatment, help, and recovery. The other family members may have already sought assistance, or they may have discovered that their efforts to make the addict change simply have not worked and are not likely to work in the future. When a family member internalizes this awareness s/he is able to "detach".
Family members operate under the belief that when the addict stops drinking or using that all the problems in the family will be solved. They believe that if the addict can just quit drinking or using, or at least quit having the negative consequences of his/her drinking and using, that everything will be alright. This is usually not the case.
The first year of recovery is often a very difficult time, not only for the recovering alcoholic/addict, but for the family as well.
Copyright (c) 2009 Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
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"Ask Peggy" is a column on the website of Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D., http://www.peggyferguson.com/AskPeggy.en.html A number of other resources on addiction and family dynamics of addiction and recovery are available on Dr. Ferguson's website at http://www.peggyferguson.com
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