The Benefits sof Listening While Communicating
Posted: Tuesday, November 10, 2009
by Peggy Ferguson
Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
"Active listening" is a technique that assists in ability to hear the message that was actually sent. The ability to effectively listen is crucial to relationships.
When teaching couples how to change how they talk to each other, active listening is stressed. Much of the time, a big part of the communicational problems that couples experience involves poor listening skills or habits.
An absence of effectively listening, means that the message sent or intended is not the same message as the one received by the listener. Although this may happen for a lot of reasons, a simple absence of listening, is a major culprit.
The following are things that can interfere with effective listening:
a. the assumption that it is not necessary to listen past a certain point,
b. the listener believes that s/he already knows what the other person will say, and in effect, listens just long enough to confirm his/her belief,
c) the listener ignores the other person while concentrating on their own response.
These scenarios set the couple up for conflicts and circular arguing as each tries harder to be understood. Neither is listening to the other.
When there are problems with focus or attention, the issue may be deliberate or non-deliberate lack of listening. To be a good listener, practice these guidelines:
1. Pay close attention to what is going on.
2. Concentrate on what they are saying.
3. Maintain eye contact without staring.
4. Don't interrupt.
5. Don't worry about what you are going to say until s/he is finished.
6. Practice active listening.
Active listening is an especially helpful tool in the presence of perceptual "filters". Each partner comes into the relationship with a history of other interactions, communications, unique meanings, and personal experiences. This collection of experiences and beliefs, attitudes, mood states, relationship event histories colors the information that we consume in the present. This emotional, attitudinal, and relationship background constitutes perceptual "filters". These filters are uniquely one's own. No two people have exactly the same filters. The more long lasting and influential the experiences or the events, the more likely the filters will persist over time, and the more heavy the influence they play over perception in contemporary events.
You can improve your ability to listen by practicing reflective listening. You can begin to override your filters by using this technique and by looking at the assumptions that you have been making about what is being said and looking for patterns. Some people have filters about abandonment fears. Others are ultra-sensitive to criticism.
An active listening technique that is helpful is the use of the phrase, "What I hear you saying is..." This is only one example of reflective listening and feedback. Any clarifying question could serve as active listening. The point is that when you clarify a message, you are making sure that the message that you have received is the same messages as the one that was sent, or intended.
Sometimes the process can still get derailed when the paraphrased "what I heard you saying" message is met with "that is not what I said", and then an argument ensues over which one is correct. Couples get derailed by arguing about what was actually said or not said in the first place. This is easily remedied by each person first and foremost 's messages. It helps to not concern yourself about who is right and who is wrong. A good phrase to remember for this situation is, "actually, what I intended to say was..."
Reflective listening feels awkward, unnatural, odd, stiff, and just plain weird. It does however, have a number of benefits that make it worth practicing and learning. Some of those are the fact that you can eliminate most of your arguments by making sure that the message that is received is the one that was sent.
Another is the fact that by carefully clarifying messages, you can discover your own themes in filters that color how you take in the contemporary events in your life. Once you identify your sensitivity to certain messages and themes, some of the power of those filters can be neutralized. If you know that you are sensitive to abandonment messages, you don't have to panic when your partner says, "I'm starting to get angry in this discussion. I'm going to take a break and go to the store." In the past, instead of hearing that, you might have heard "I'm mad at you and I'm leaving you". If you have identified abandonment fear as a filter and your partner leaves in the middle of an argument, you can reassure yourself that your partner did not say that s/he was leaving you forever.
When the message sent and the message received is the same message, there is less probability of self-reinforcing circular arguing.
Communication exercises and training that have an active listening component are especially helpful.
Copyright (c) 2009 Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
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There are a number of helpful resources for couples on the website of Dr. Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D. at http://www.peggyferguson.com "The Honey Jar", a couple's conversation starter can be downloaded for a fee from http://www.honeyjarcommunications.com Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D. is a therapist in private practice in Stillwater, OK. She is also a writer, trainer, and consultant.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Very excellent points here - it is HARD to change but so worth the effort in this case especially. thanks for writing this! Marijo
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